I am in a state of confusion lately. So many decisions to make and no clue where to go. So many possibilities, and yet, no clear path. Why must life be so difficult. Sometimes I hate being a grown up and having to make such life changing decisions. I guess that is why Peter Pan is one of my most favorite movies. I don't wanna grow up!!! Some of the things on my mind right now... Do we buy the house and be beyond dirt poor? Or do we stay where we are until things are better -financially- for us? Do I go back to school like I really want to? If I do, it will be full time until I graduate in 10 months. Which translates to less time with my family and more strain financially. Do I stay in my job that makes me crazy or do I take the leap of faith and quit so I can be with my kids more -which is one of the MAIN reasons we moved here!
I really want to decorate, but it is a rental. I hate my empty boring walls. We repainted, but have nothing to put on them. David's parents came to visit a couple weeks ago and brought us pictures -they had pulled off their walls- so we would have family pictures to hang up! I immediately hung them in the hallway. I love them! Yay, finally some pictures that show a family lives here! But I have a huge wall in the living room that is BLANK! Not to mention there is no furniture in there either! I designed something that I want to make and hang on that big blank wall. I am determined to do it before the week is over. If it turns out, I will post pictures.
Anyway, so I am confused at what I should do. I hate that I work so much and feel like I don't have any time to clean my house, get caught up on laundry and just spend time playing with my kids. Not to mention have any kind of social life! My social life is work. I had that for 12 years owning a business and now I want more than that. I want play dates at the park, lunch with friends, trips to the mall to 'window' shop, all those things I have never had since I started having children 13+ years ago. I have always worked and was always too busy to do any of that. Now I crave it! I have considered cutting back my hours at work to being there just a few days a week, but if I step down as mgr, I also get yet another pay cut. Then is it even worth working?? Ugh... I hate being an adult! I also tend to over-analyze everything. To the point that I can't make a decision because there are too many options or points of view in my own head.
I was reading my patraiarchal blessing today and felt like I hadn't accomplished a couple of things that seemed very clear that I needed to accomplish. Mostly school related. But a totally different direction than I was planning on going. It just got me thinking, did I screw up so long ago that I can't fix any of it now? I don't know...
Sounds more like some serious knee time by the side of my bed is needed. Why is it so hard for me to 'hear' the answers? I am so not in tune I guess. I am quite stubborn and want things my way, but I do try and listen for those answers. I just need the D'Marini over the head to hear them, I guess. Hopefully it doesn't come, this time, in the way of another child like the last one did! Ugh...
5 comments:
Life. It is difficult isn't it? My sister has 5 kids and over the last few years has been taking online courses for her bachelors. She just finish more courses and now has her Master's. She even was working full time.
It's possible to do, and you know that the prophets have told us how important your education is. Think of the example you would be to your kids. Good luck. Your prayers are heard and will be answered. LOL
Brenda,
I hate being a grown up too! Sometimes I wish I could start all over. I hope you find the answers you are looking for!
Brian Here, glad to see I'm not the only one. i guess all I can say is my degree has blessed us tremendously and I am beginning to see even greater possibilities beginning to appear now that I am in graduate school. I truly never understood the importance of a degree until I had one. It wasn't easy for me, so I can't imagine what it would be like for you, but I do know that there aren't any drawbacks to a degree (Other than the time and money to obtain one.)after you get one. hope that helps. Call me sometime, we'll talk!
Brenda, we all have the same feelings just about different things. Definitely pray about what you should do but I think you know what you should do. Listen to your heart. If you will be happy going to school and doing what you love, then go for it. Until you know what direction you are going, just rent. It's less stressful and allows options to stay open. A piece of advice, if a job sucks you dry, leave - it's not worth it for you or your family. Be happy and follow your heart. Call me if you need to talk. Love you.
Brenda, hugs to you! I'm sorry that it's hard right now. Try to hang in there until the answers come. They will (but I always hate that it's not on my time line). Wish I was closer so that we could spend some time together. I miss all of those silly times together and all of the great trips to parks and zoos with kids. I could really use a taco salad lunch! Remember when we used to get a bunch of us together and do that?
Lots of love,
Renee
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